Tag Archives for Violence

Original Sin

Original Sin

Image: Geo Sans

~

imperfect

god created man

in his image

~

childhood trauma

my primary source

of guilt and pain

my family and church

our innocence lost

~

righteous rage

he was a jealous god

insecure, uncertain

fear trumped love

anger overruled compassion

~

reconciliation

forgive me father

I forgive you god

for all our sins

we’re only human

 

_ _ _

 

B L O O D L I N E S

Purging an old covenant. First memories of my dad. Small prairie church in the 1970s. Our family fills an entire front row.

My father is 38 (anxious). He has 5 children under eight years old and his wife is carrying their sixth child. He is trying to sell the family farm.

Squeaming, screaming. Church feels unbearably long for children and parents (there’s no peace on earth).

~

W O N D E R

I’m three years old and staring at a church bulletin. A line drawing of an adult Jesus. For the first time, I notice a nose isn’t the smudged dot from my drawings. My eyes trace and memorize this new shape.

~

T H U N D E R

When home, my dad yells, snarls. We weren’t still and quiet enough. His belt swings hard against our bare flesh. We all taste the burning sting and shame of fear, anger, pain.

I close my eyes unable to block my older brother’s terror. His anguishing bone chilling howls of horror. I still see your purple watery face. You are only six.

Instilling a fear of god. Subconsciously, I start hating going to church (anxiety) — and I grew up resenting my father’s authoritative power. We did not understand each other. We lived and spoke different languages. I ended up focusing on what my dad wasn’t.

~

C O N T R A D I C T I O N S

Identifying, processing. This trauma was extremely difficult for me. My dad wasn’t a violent man. He was soft-spoken. He always cared for us, was always there. He was hardworking and sombre. And I can vividly remember each and every rare time he genuinely smiled — or lost his temper. Both very rare.

~

I N N O C E N C E

It’s been 10 years since our family’s last Christmas with our father. Even though he never said it, I know he loved me. It was difficult for us to give and receive. We both had trouble with emotions.

Different views, perspectives. Time has helped with understanding. Maybe it wasn’t fair to judge my father. Maybe meaningful relationships can eclipse one traumatic moment.

Today, I open my heart to you dad. I apologize for the walls I built. And I forgive you for your old trespasses. I’m ready to live and love you freely. Peace to you — and peace to me.

+ + +

L I N K S:

Study Proves Spanking Hurts Your Kids’ Mental Health

What is Religious Trauma Syndrome?

Hockey Violence in Vancouver

the league’s leading scorer

reaches for the puck

vulnerable

blasted to the face

~

concussion, stitches

injured

before the playoffs

~

an opponent’s choice

endangering careers

playoff chances

~

no penalty called

no league suspension

( no respect ? )

~

self righteous intentions

standing up for a brother

spiralling out of control

~

vigilante justice

with sickening consequences

~

cue

the violence

violins

~

everyone loses

~

hockey violence

hockey violence

~

“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”

~ Mahatma Gandhi

Waking

recoiling

violent spectrums

of nature

~

fire inhaling

my chest

radiating hands

~

light shards

soothes

feeds me

to ashes

~

I’m so sorry

~

Waking

Waking / Conscious

~

Notes from “Man And His Symbols” by Carl G. Jung :

Thought forms, universally understandable gestures, and many attitudes follow a pattern that was established long before man developed a reflective consciousness.

It is even conceivable that the early origins of man’s capacity to reflect come from the painful consequences of violent emotional clashes. Let me take, purely as an illustration of this point, the bushman who, in a moment of anger and disappointment at his failure to catch any fish, strangles his much beloved only son, and is then seized with immense regret as he holds the little dead body in his arms. Such a man might remember this moment of pain for ever.

We cannot know whether this kind of experience was actually the initial cause of the development of human consciousness. But there is no doubt that the shock of a similar emotional experience is often needed to make people wake up and pay attention to what they are doing.

( page 65 )