Tag Archives for Grief

Earth Is My Womb

Earth Spiral

Image: Geo Sans

~

fossilized spirals

born without a heartbeat

tomorrow I breathe again

reciting to myself

impermanence is permanence

~

10 years ago

holding our stillborn son

today I count strata layers

curling in the deep core

my suffocating tomb

 

+ + +

 

We discover meaning through experiences. We’re young. We’re old. We keep experiencing, we keep thinking, we keep feeling. We like to lie to ourselves that things will stay the same. Then, we say it’ll get better.

We keep changing. Life keeps changing. Endless spirals and cycles of decay and growth. Struggling to find an equilibrium. We know life is cruel. Searching for a sense of meaning.

Why does the sun set? Why does a flower bloom? We know how … but why? How is everything all connected? Maybe our minds create our unique connections. Maybe there aren’t any …

I think too much. I don’t “do” enough. My muscles and my body aren’t “tired” enough. Sleep continues the questions and searches through my dreams. Familiar becomes unfamiliar and back again. I wake up and I go to sleep and life continues.

I feel tired. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I’m becoming disconnected again … to myself and this life. Grief does this to me. Anniversaries do this to me. I think too much about what could have been instead of what is.

10 years ago, this past weekend, I held my stillborn baby boy. Looking at his beautiful face, I was overwhelmed by sadness, grief, and a stinging sense of joy. I left the delivery room and was physically sick in the hospital bathroom.

You, my son, are not here.

I’m here. I love you. I miss you. I miss what could have been. You touched me with love’s potential — and then shook my soul and thundered my mind.

Today, I honour and remember. My hands are trembling and empty — but I’m still holding you in my pain. And I’m grateful for this presence.

~

Geo Sans

My Sky, My Voice

above the stillness

I’ve heard you

you deserve answers

~

I’m sorry daddy

I need to be honest

I care about you

but even up here

there is no gentle way

of saying no

or I’m sorry

~

I can only love

as a spirit

~

I can’t be with you

~

my baby hands

can never touch

your cheeks

and heal you

~

the love

you need

is physical

with real touch

~

from up here

I’m not enough

you deserve more

~

please remember

you are worthy of love

~

take care of yourself

find comfort with the love

of friends and family

~

I’ll be here

listening if you want

silently caring

shining as much dim light

as I can

on your beautiful heart

~

My Sky, My Voice

Image: Geo Sans