Stillness

almost 9 months

something’s not right

~

the heartbeat

stopped —

the baby still needs

to be delivered

~

holding you

I’ve never felt

so helpless

~

we held him

we named him

~

he looked

so beautiful

so perfect

blood started

to seep out his nose

then all over

his face

~

my body froze

my heart screamed

~

ever since you died

I’ve wanted to believe

in a heaven

~

My Stillness

69 thoughts on “Stillness

  1. There is nothing like a loss of a child, nothing. I was told repeatedly I was losing my son inside my womb and cried excrusiating tears of submission to failure and nightmare. He proved them all wrong and came out ok, but I had to prepare my body and mind constantly for his loss. The fortune I hold in him hanging on compares with naught.
    This loss you have put words to is paramount to the understanding of others. Thank you for this, it is tremendously important and my heart and spirit mourn for all the lost little ones, there is a special place for them, the most perfect of places where only perfection resides.

  2. If this is based on your life, my heart aches for you. If this is compassion for others that have felt this, beautiful.

  3. So sad! I nearly lost my youngest child 6 weeks premature, she stopped moving and heart-rate slowed to near stop! The wonder doctors were able to take her emergency and save her life. My heart broke and i cannot imagine the pain you must of felt! My eyes poured for you!!! Your words were heart wrenching

  4. I know you’ve mentioned this before … but, never as movingly as this. I am so very sorry for your loss.

    I am, however, glad you’re sharing your story via your wonderful poetry — being able to write so beautifully about something so tragic says your wounded soul is slowly mending, though, I imagine the scars will always be big.

    Thank you for your open, honest, soulful, mournful poem. Hitting the like button seems rather odd.

    A hug for you, my friend — for your loss, and to help encourage you in your journey.

  5. My heart goes out to you and your beautiful son. I am so glad that you have your powerful poetry to help you heal the excruciating pain. Love, love, love-to you and your sweet baby

  6. peace to you my friend, I know he’s in heaven, even if you don’t. where else would he be? you’ll see him again one day, you’ll see he’s fine and oh so happy, so peace..to you my friend

  7. Well, maybe heaven does exist Geo, but perhaps not in the way that the story tellers of the past have said it is so. There’s so much we don’t know compared to what we do know, which leaves a lot that could be!

    I was with my mother when she died, she was in a drugged sleep, a lot to do with the Morphine, and she had gone blind due to a brain tumour effecting the optic nerve. It was very strange considering those two things, that the moment before she completely stopped breathing she suddenly seemed to come to life and blinked, and sort of moved her head as if to avoid something touching her, up until then, she had been completely out of it for hours, just heavy breathing, deep unconsciousness, looking like a dying bird on the roadside. I’m very open minded about what happens to us when we die, but that moment is a strange one, and it really felt as if she could see something I couldn’t. I wonder sometimes if we have even begun to understand what we are in, in our every waking moment. I have so many questions about reality and unreality, and how one person can see something completely different to another, and yet we all live on the same planet – apparently! ;)

    I hope you do see your little boy again Geo – I hope for us all to be reconnected with the ones that have meant so much to us. And I really hope there are some surprises in store too, especially for the ones who think they know how it all works – that will be a good day!!

  8. I just came across this in my reader. My heart goes out to you. As a registered nurse I worked with families that grieved. I know the pain. May you know you are not alone my friend. You have an angel I am sure right by your side.

  9. After such a heartbreaking loss, to write it down, to re-live the pain, over and over, is a healing process. My Mother died eight years ago, I wrote about her in all kinds of ways, re-living memories of her life, my life with her, not always good, but to have this pain without knowing the life, is a cruel thing. Perhaps your child was spared from the world. You knew him, named him, loved him, you will always be connected to him, his soul is your soul. Peace and love to you all.

    • contrasts
      ~
      my son
      and
      my father
      dying
      ~
      within 3 months time
      ~
      teaching me
      compassion
      empathy
      ~
      connecting me
      opening
      an
      understanding
      of
      elements
      within
      our
      humanity

  10. I’ve picked a bouquet of spring flowering weeds
    and lighting a small candle
    I’m celebrating this dios de los muertos
    with you…
    Love to you and yours…
    Jana

  11. In the words of Kenji Miyazawa — “We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey”
    I think you are doing that already.
    Thank you for sharing light with all of us.

  12. Hello Geo, truth is also where hope lives: that’s what all the masters say: we can be comforted then in a way words can only circle around. Thinking of you and yours as I meet you through our pages. Niaih

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